


Screen C.A.P.S. 4: The 22 kazoo salute.

by justinsbuzz



Series: Screen C.A.P.S., with Connie, Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven! [5]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Crack, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Other, Road Trips, Steven needs therapy, that boy aint right, what did i just watch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22031053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justinsbuzz/pseuds/justinsbuzz
Summary: The C.A.P.S. crew end up in a mini-suite in the middle of Kansas. beyond that, there's as much substance in this as there is in the last two episodes before the hiatus...
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Lars Barriga/Sadie Miller
Series: Screen C.A.P.S., with Connie, Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven! [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1481819
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	Screen C.A.P.S. 4: The 22 kazoo salute.

**Author's Note:**

> goes without saying: Spoilers. and depression. and lots of it. this is going to be a long year/hiatus.

Screen C.A.P.S. 4: 21 kazoo salute. 

The TV clicked off, showing 4 people, sitting on one of the two beds in a hotel room. 2 Gems who sat there, looking perplexed. And 2 teens, one of them on the phone and the other one, looking down in disbelief.

“A flower?” Connie said in disbelief. “A fucking flower?”

Steven’s eyebrows shot up, but he only raised his index finger indicating he just needs a few moments.

“Yeah… I- I know. I saw the whole thing…yeah… ye- Yes. I’ve never met ‘Shep’ before. You have, lars? And…oh… oooh…hmmm. yeah…Poly what?” Steven paused every so often, trying to participate in a heated conversation about the episode. “Yeah, I know you guys have been together. This dumb episode doesn’t change things. And I think once we get back into town, we could do another double date, Sadie? Really? Cool. I think after all of this, something like that would be ne…. huh…really, Lars?”

Connie, Amethyst, and Peridot were slowly getting annoyed with this. The had agreed that cellphones in the recap stories were not allowed, unless it was an emergency. It was a hard pill for Peridot to swallow, but she did it anyway. Steven knew he shouldn’t be doing this, but he didn’t know how to hang up. Amethyst, on the other hand, did. She snatched the phone from Steven, and came to the rescue.

“OK, guys. Sorry to interrupt, but the show is starting to turn rotten, but that doesn’t mean you guys should split. But right now, we got some issues to talk about here.” Amethyst said, hanging up on them, and then tossing the phone into a trash bin across the room. “And that’s how we get it done. And Steven-”

“I don’t need to fix everyone’s problems. Sometimes, things solve themselves.” Steven said, finishing Amethysts sentence and sounding straight forward. “Also, I love how mature you’ve gotten Amethyst.”

“Why thank you, Steven!” Amethyst replied politely. “I try my best to be a roll model for my little brother.”

“And I’m not at all threatened by it.” Steven said, grinning and turning to the TV. “You…you see how we did that, Crewniverse? Opened dialogue. Not insinuating that I had forgotten everything I’ve learned in the past? Or…you know…not being a dumbass.”

“They nerfed you, Steven. just like how they nerfed me back in season 2. Welcome to the club!” Peridot said, sounding annoyed, and tracing a pattern on the bed spread.

“Into a flower?!” Connie spoke with a higher pitch. “Guys! They turned me into a fucking flower now!”

“And they turned me into a dumbass who would rather talk to mutant plants than his own best friend! AND I DIDN’T EVEN TALK A LOT TO PLANT CONNIE!” Steven exclaimed, looking really frustrated.

“You…no…WAIT! HE DIDN’T TALK TO PLANT CONNIE! Nope, Mini-mama Maheswaran is putting her foot down right now. THAT IS NOT THE REAL STEVEN UNIVERSE!” Connie proclaimed loudly, her voice echoing off the walls. “We’re better people than that. We’ve grown! We’ve learned! ALL OF US!”

“Meh…not sure about me though…” Peridot said, sounding depressed.

“You too!” Steven said defensively. “You’re teaching others how to grow plants; you have a large greenhouse.”

“And yet, I was never asked to help that Steven out at all!” Peridot barked. “I…I knew I was going to play second string characters, but…I’m…I’m being underutilized.”

“I…I know the pain, Peridot.” Connie said, stretching out an reassuring hand to peridots upper arm.. “They’re…they’re not us, Peri.”

“I- I know that…” Peridot said, holding back tears. “It’s just painful to see all of that happening.”

“You mean how that Steven kind of acts like a dumbass?” Steven asked, sounding unsurprised as to how his stupidity could affect other people.

“YES!” Peridot howled. “OH, my stars, YES! You- his. HIS stupidity is killing me!!!”

“It’s…it’s killing me too, Peri.” Steven said, sounding more depressed. “Jeez... it’s not going to get better for me, is it?”

“You mean as a viewer, then yes.” Connie said, nodding at a short pace, indicating frustration. “Cause you aren’t that guy, that’s for sure!”

“I can…I can take him on in a fight, but I won’t.” Steven said, shaking his head. “I know some people can’t be dealt with like that, and I’ll just walk away.”

“I’ll fight him though!” Amethyst said, rubbing her knuckles in the palm of her other hand. “He can go pink, but I got range, man!”

“Nope. I’m fighting him.” Connie said sternly. “That Steven’s been ignoring Connie, or avoiding, neglecting, I dunno! I was a piece of him!”

“No way, you two!” Peridot growled. “I was fighting him first. I still have dibs!”

“Wow…I cannot believe I’m saying this on a hotel bed at this point in my life, but Ladies, there’s plenty of Steven to go around!” Steven yelled over the three of them, and feeling a chunk of his soul dying. Those words in and of itself cause all sound to vanish within the room.

“Right. That was more uncomfortable than I wanted it to be. But I think we can all come of the mutual agreement that the ‘cannon’ Steven is not the real Steven.” Steven spoke, ending the silence that weight heavily in the room, and had also used air quotes when using the word ‘cannon’. “But even if the ‘doppelganger-Steven’ theory didn’t hold up, we can safely assume that that Steven needs therapy.”

“I second that.” Connie said, raising her hand. “That... That kid is a ticking timebomb.”

“I really don’t want to think about him exploding. None of this feels right.” Steven said, thinking outloud. “I mean, just…this feel’s like rushed writing. None of it lines up. That kid is way more immature than he was in season 1.”

“Yeah, dude. It’s like they reset you all the way back to…I dunno. You’ve never acted like that since you were 8.” Amethyst said, shaking her head. “Then you kind of balanced out, and wanted to be included more. But it wasn’t ‘till you met that goofy kid that you stepped up a bit.”

“WOOO! Goofy kid for the win!” Connie cheered jokingly.

“Any way…” Amethyst continued. “I’m thinking that the use of that rejuvenator might have scrambled your gem’s brains. You might be on reset mode.”

“but I thought in the movie, I fixed that.” Steven stated.

“Ah…good point.” Amethyst responded.

“Still…what can be made of this? Steven asked everyone. “Do…do we even bother rating this? Or…can we just maybe agree that this was a wash?”

“This wasn’t just a wash, it’s a devastating tsunami/hurricane of epic proportions.” Peridot said Sternly. “The only silver lining is that the Steven in the show name a bluebell flower after you, Connie. might have seemed like I taught Steven a thing or two about botany.”

“Uh…so? It kind of seemed like it was just Steven coping with the fact that I’m getting benched for the rest of the series, and was now going insane.” Connie said, rolling her eyes at the reminder that she isn’t sure if she even exists anymore in the show.

“So? It means at least that Steven’s thinking about her on a deeper level. The meaning behind bluebells is that they symbolize humility or sometimes gratitude. Or in your case, how you’re grateful that Steven saved your life the day you two first met.” Peridot stated, looking down at her computer tablet.

“Well, yeah…who wouldn’t be grateful.” Connie said, blushing while rubbing her arms awkwardly.

“It is also associated with everlasting love and constancy.” Peridot said flatly, while lifting an eyebrow. “Constancy means steadfastness, firm, unwavering, and if it weren’t for the stupid mod on this wiki page, your picture would be placed as a visual example. And do I really need to get into the ‘everlasting love’ part?”

“Well…yeah…we love each other a lot…” Steven mentioned, blushing really hard. “And…what kind of knight wouldn’t be steadfast and firm?”

“What’s that, Steven? Need a final nail in your coffin of denial? How about the fact that Constancy is an alternate spelling of the name ‘Constance’?” Peridot asked, showing him a page of baby names and their meanings. “So what are your thoughts on this…Constance Maheswaran?!”

At that point, reality had felt like it crunched into itself. Connie herself looked shocked, instantly wanting to lay down and try to process this new form of information.

“So…what you’re saying…is Connie, my girlfriend, best friend, knight, bubble buddy, love of my life…is basically someone who was predestined to be a literal steadfast lord and guardian of the universe?” Steven said, sounding shocked. “And…my last name just so happened to be named universe. A name that my dad changed because of his manager, who took him to Beach City and ended up meeting my mom, who then had me, who then saved the live of someone who just HAPPENS to have a name meaning… what?!?!?!?!”

Amethyst, at this point, could not stop laughing at Steven, who’s brain began to melt.

“You know, the symbolism is nice and all, but I would still like to be IN an episode where Steven would tell me these things. Just be up front. But nope! Gotta go back to being the reclusive bookworm with no friends again.” Connie said, throwing her arms in the air. “But thank you, Peridot. It’s nice to know that cannon Steven still thinks about Connie.”

“I hope so.” Steven said, looking annoyed at the TV. “Also…what was my deal on…never mind. I just have a bad feeling about this stuff.”

“That’s why we’re on the road. Going to Burbank and all.” Connie said, looking over at Steven. “Well…mostly, that’s the reason.”

“Mostly?” Steven asked. At this point, Amethyst poked her head over the edge of the bed.

“I just thought you could use a break, Steven. A chance to get out of Beach City. Away from the drama. But after that episode though, I’m not sure about anything.” Connie stated.

“Oh.” Steven said, sounding surprised. “Well…it’s the thought that counts. Honestly, I was doing fine back in Beach City. You and Pearl helping me with the GED. Trying some hobbies. Reading. Taking it easy. Learning meditation with Garnet and Jasper. Might get into growing plants. I’m doing legitimately fine. Not lying.”

“Strange. Did WE stray from the story line… or did the cannon stray from itself?” Amethyst asked out loud.

“Amethyst, whatever you do: Don’t. Change.” Steven said in a serious tone.

“Change is a universal constant, man.” Amethyst said before gently pounding her gem twice while looking up. “Gonna miss you, Jake.”

“Yeah.” Connie, Steven, and Peridot agreed in unison, doing the exact same gesture.

“Still though. You might be right, Amethyst. And I’m not ashamed to say it because there would be no shame to pass around. Cannon Steven was dismissing everyone, and thinking they could never change, all while thinking that he has to figure things out for himself.” Steven said, going back to shaking his head.

“The signs of self-distain, isolating himself, burying his emotions and distracting himself from his real issues, while automatically thinking that nothing will be different while he’s off in his own little world.” Connie listed. “That biscuit isn’t the real biscuit. There, I said it. That’s my rating for those episodes. The show at large, and the only reason why we’re in a mini suite in the middle of freaking Kansas.”

“It sucked. Nuff said.” Amethyst said before shrinking down and walking into the mini-fridge. “Talk to you guys later.” 

“Yeah…just…I know the show is about change, but is it really giving out any sage advice, or is thus just a angsty precautionary tale with no clear lesson to be learned?” Peridot said, turning off her tablet and climbing off the bed. As she made her way into the bathroom to sleep in the empty jacuzzi, she turned to speak to Steven and Connie. “I don’t mean to be a downer, but since we’re going to be going on hiatus, I just want to say that things aren’t looking good for anyone in the show. Amethyst was right. That reality isn’t what it used to be. We’re on diverging paths in space and time. If there was a lesson to be learned, it seems we already know of it and are better people for it. Goodnight, you two.”

Connie and Steven, now sit almost alone in the bedroom, trying to process everything that they had seen. The path of the show, the realization of Connie’s possible origin, and Steven slowly going down a dark road.

“I think it’s safe to say that it would be impossible for us to end up like them.” Steven spoke, looking away from the TV, and over at Connie, who was still laying on the bed, and staring at the ceiling. “But…are you sure you want to go through with this? Going to Burbank because of how things are going in a show that isn’t our reality?”

“Yeah…if for anything than for us to just burn off some steam, put things into perspective, and just spend time with my friends and BBFF.” Connie said, looking away from the ceiling and to Steven, who sat cross-legged. “That’s not the Steven I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> We come together today, not to say farewell to the SS. Larsadie, but to let the ship sail free in the oceans of fanfic and crackfic alike. The cannon dimension is imploding, and it seems like these goofballs are the only one bearing witness to the collapse of the Cannon, and all they can truly do is scream at the TV, and shake their heads. i will say this though...Steven naming a bluebell Connie was pretty freaking endearing.


End file.
